I am overwhelmed with gratitude over the spiritual transformation that has been percolating in my life over this past year. I finally feel that after a torturous relationship with a master manipulator I am strong enough in my faith to stand alone. The past six months have been a train-wreck of emotions and hard learned truths that have lead me to where I am today.
My relationship with God started coincidentally around the time I started seeing Ex. I will be referring to him by Ex, as he does not deserve recognition as anything other than a past thought, a person I chose to forget. Despite what I perceived as his stronger relationship with God, his questioning of my own faith challenged me in ways I never could’ve imagined.
In the beginning with Ex, I falsely attributed my growth in faith due to meeting him. I was inspired by his faith and thought he was part of the divine plan for my life. As I started to get to know him, cracks in his facade began to appear.
To start, he was a cigarette smoker and chronic pot smoker. He said he couldn’t get things done without the creative edge marijuana offered and would often wake up in the middle of the night to smoke himself back to sleep. He didn’t have a paying job, although he convinced me otherwise. There was always talk of some deal that was about to happen, or a potential client that he was about to bring in. His days consisted of “working” from his cluttered bedroom, ash tray overflowing and empty beer bottles, or wine glasses, or a cup with melted ice and liquor nearby.
Because of Ex I now understand what it is like to be manipulated. I know how it feels to live in a constant state of nausea for months at a time. Amazingly my body knew before me that something was very off. He put me in a stress ridden situation that created endless anxiety in my life. Details aren’t important, but every-time I would voice a concern to Ex, my anxiety was reverberated back with, “pray more, you just need to have more faith.”
I tried. I read my Bible. I did my devotions. I went to church with him. I praised, often crying during the services. I tried to believe it was going to be ok. I hated myself for not being able to push through the nausea. Something was wrong but I didn’t know what. The person inflicting the pain on me was the same one that was comforting me. I couldn’t sleep at night, but I let myself go to sleep next to him. My friend died. I kept trying to believe it was going to be ok. Things increasingly got worse.
I realize now my biggest mistake was putting the anxieties he created for me back onto him, instead of trusting my soul, instead of trusting God.
I was too scared to tell my parents what was happening. When I finally had the courage to speak up to my mother, Ex found out and tried to turn me against her. He said the devil was speaking through her and that she didn’t understand anything. He told me to trust him instead, to further surrender and put my trust in his “God”.
My life shattered in front of my eyes as I spent weeks in anxious fits with only uncertainty and oblivion. My parents finally understood what was happening and I was ashamed for not telling them sooner. I blamed myself for being too stupid to realize until it was too late. I blamed myself for accepting his lies as truth. I was angry at him, but more angry with myself for letting this happen.
All my inspiration I had for life disappeared as I felt myself sinking into a dark hole. There was too much anger in my heart to even think of feeling sad about lost memories. Too much confusion over why things turned out the way they did. Everything I had worked so hard to accomplish was gone. I questioned my worth. I couldn’t figure out why I had let myself become misguided by a monster.
It’s taken a plethora of love from friends and family to remind me that I am not at fault. Over the past couple months I have slowly built myself back up. I have gotten down on my knees more times than I can count. I have howled and bawled at the top of my lungs in the car. I’ve screamed till my throat hurt and cried hysterically to be saved. I don’t know how many times it takes to surrender to make everything ok. All I know is I am done torturing myself.
I’ve prayed and forgiven Ex a hundred times over. I’ve forgiven and then forgotten and let anger boil through my veins at the remembrance of the situation. I’ve prayed for him more than I have myself. I pray for his soul to be healed, I pray for mine too.
Today I made a promise to myself, to God, to not let Ex affect my life from here on out. That little blip in time we spent together was just a small lesson in the grand scheme of life. I’ve learned to Trust No One except myself, my intuition, my soul, God. We live in a fallen world with darkness waiting to envelop at any second. But through the darkness is the light, and the only way to move forward is to be the light. My only purpose, our only purpose is to be the light, to love, to heal and be healed.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:5